Tuesday, October 23, 2012


Over the last several days I have been very convicted about how much and how often I grumble.  However, speaking from past experience I wonder if the conviction will come and go with little change on my part.  

A few days ago, Sam and I were walking with the kids in the stroller.  B was being disobedient and Zoe was crying.  All I could think was, "Why?"  Why do I have another child that doesn't like the stroller?  Why do I have another child who doesn't like the car seat?  Why...? Why...?  Why...?  I looked at Sam who listens to me grumble on a daily basis and said, "When I get to Heaven I want to ask God a few questions like, What were you trying to teach me when Zoe was a baby that I obviously didn't learn with Bennett?  Why do I have high strung babies while some are so easy?  Why do some people lose their children?  Why can't some people have children?"  I went on speaking, "I know it is for our own sanctification, but will I learn the lesson when the baby phase is over or will He have to keep refining this area?"  

Sam politely responded with a few words regarding selfishness and once again I was reminded of the TRUTH.  I am selfish.  No matter how challenging this season of life may be, I NEED IT!!!  God uses various situations in all of our lives to refine us, to sanctify us, to draw us closer to Him and for me one of those situations is the newborn phase of my children.  I hate admitting I NEED IT, but if it strips away more of my selfish tendencies and reveals more of a Christ-like attitude then I NEED IT.  

Later I read a devotion by Tracie Miles titled, "Our Thoughts Have Wheels," and it spoke directly to my heart and the thoughts I'd been having.  Here is an excerpt:  

"...I've considered how our thoughts determine a lot about the direction of our lives. Like my school bus, our thoughts will always take us somewhere, but it may not be somewhere we want to end up....

If we focus on how much we do for others and how little we feel appreciated, our thoughts will take us to a place of resentment, with lack of patience and love.
If we spend an entire day fuming over something our husband or kids did, and mentally practice the harsh words we plan to say to them, those thoughts will lead us into a place of arguments, hurt feelings and damaged relationships.
If we dwell on why God has allowed certain problems in our lives, we will transport ourselves into a state of insecurity and unhappiness as we stop trusting God."
It's so true.  How do I know?  I constantly struggle to think positively and that often leads me down a path of mistreating others, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, a grumbling attitude, a lack of empathy for others, and so much more.  Some days I wonder why I struggle so badly to "take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).  It seems like I work on it, but nothing changes.  Then, I realize I am in a cycle, because constantly wondering why, working on it, then believing that nothing has changed is a part of the negative thought cycle I discussed above.  Therefore, today I embrace the truth that "the God of all grace...will himself restore [me] and make [me] strong, firm, and steadfast (1 Peter 5:10).  I embrace that in the end God will still welcome me into His kingdom as one of His own despite the dirt and the grim that may remain.  


Jen Skoog said...

So true, sister!! Those same grumbling thoughts have plagued me; and I, too, have compared my little crying babies to other easier ones. But I cling constantly to the truth that God is sovereign and knows ALL that I need to make me more like himself. Isn't sanctification painful sometimes??! My dad gave me an analogy one time during this stage, saying to just "run into the wind, Jen" (you know how fun those killer hills can be when it's windy!). Sometimes being still in the chaos can be so comforting and can remind us that no matter how desperate we can be to control things, it is better to put one foot in front of the other in obedience instead. I am praying for you, friend, and love you lots!!!

Katie Perdue said...

I think most mothers experience this...its a difficult transition, and just about the time you think you're doing okay and have it together, God reminds you in someway that you are not in control at all. Motherhood has shown me how selfish I can be for sure, but thank goodness for GRACE. You will get through this season!

Carolina said...

I just love your heartfelt posts. I think I might ask God some of the same questions one day, as I have had every single one of them. You know how much I struggled those first few months at times thinking that I would not make it and would lose my mind. Trust me you are doing much better then I was! I wonder what is so special about us that we get to have these not so easy babies? Thinking and praying for you and feel free to call me anytime. Hugs.

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing, Amber. The quotes from "Our Thoughts Have Wheels" really were good. This newborn stage is so hard because daily we are reminded that our baby's wants/needs come before our own. The daily grind is hard and the fatigue starts to wear us down. Some days are good and other days I could just cry. Thinking of you today and thankful that we can share these life stages together even though it is hard.

Kindra said...

Thank you for sharing your heart in such a humble, transparent way. I recently cried out to the Lord, asking why the "thorn in my flesh" is what it is and can't be something just a little easier. I'm beginning to think that it's the thing I need the most to keep me in constant awareness of my need for a Savior.