I storm up the stairs, open the door and say, "Why are you still crying?" It has been a rough week of no naps or short naps, cries in the middle of the night, and waking unhappy. It wears on me.
I can feel it. My impatience, my ugly..........is being EXPOSED. My struggle to be tender, to be sensitive to others rears its ugly head and I break.
Sam meets me at the door. Before a word is off his tongue, I speak. He speaks. I say, "Yes." My baby, our baby is in his arms, as I go searching for my shoes.
The anger, the frustration, the ugly is about to explode. I just need to make it to the door. Air will help. My foot hits the first step. I take a deep breath and clarity slowly begins to creep in. I can hear my feet hitting the pavement while walking around the block. My pulse slows and I begin conversing with my Savior. I ask Him to save me........again. Save me from the ugly places of me. Save my husband, my son, my......everyone.
I continue. I can now feel the sun beating down on my skin. I ask, "LORD, there are others who have this ugly, right? There are others who long to follow and serve You wholeheartedly, yet fall so hard, so fast.....in secret? I feel like the ugly takes over and I can barely breathe. Crash in on me, LORD Jesus. Keep changing the ugly. Don't let it change me.......or them, for worse."
At this point, I have found my way to the back porch. Lying on a blanket I begin writing these words. Words I don't want to forget. Words I want the world to read, because I know I am not alone. God is reminding me. Remember Paul, "[In] order to keep from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me" (2 Cor. 12:7). Remember Moses' lack of trust (Num. 20:2-13)? And I still considered him a man of great faith (Heb. 11:24-29). What about David, the one after My own heart (1 Sam. 13:14)? His ugly included adultery and murder (2 Sam. 11). David, he confessed (2 Sam. 12:13). I forgave. He still bore consequences (2 Sam. 12), but he is still a man after My own heart. Don't forget, [To] be strong in the Lord [in Me] and in [My] mighty power. Put on the full armor [I offer], so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For [y]our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Eph. 6:10-12). Remember, "The thief [Satan] comes only to kill, steal and destroy; I have come that [you] may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). Remember, there was a time when you were futile in your thinking. There was a time when you were separated from me and your heart was hardened, but that time is no more. "When you heard about Christ and were taught in Him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like [Me] in true righteousness and holiness" (Eph. 4:17-24). I have searched you. I know you (Psalm 139:1). I know your good, your bad, your ugly, your heart, your hope, and your desires. I know the road is not easy, but keep pressing on.
I am calm again. I walk into the family room. Sam is sitting on the couch. I say I am sorry and begin to talk about the ugly that has now gone back into hiding. We discuss areas I desire to change. We discuss my heart's deep desire to serve the Lord. We discuss the frustrations that go along with the ugly in me. We hug. Tears flow.
I wish I could say the ugly has remained in hiding, but I have been battling it every day since I stormed into my baby's room. God is purging it from me. I know it. It hurts, but deep down I am glad. I don't want it there. My prayer is that the purging doesn't come at a cost to my husband or my son.....as it has many people in my life.
Again, God speaks through His word, "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isa. 40: 30-32)
You can read previous Journey of Faith posts HERE.
Every Friday, I post about the work God is doing or has done in my life, as I journey on this road of faith.
How is God working in your life as you journey with Him?
Would you consider sharing it with us today?
If you decide to share...enter the URL to your exact post below. If you join, please help us find one another by sharing the "Journey of Faith" graphic within your post.