I can hear my feet hitting the pavement, when I listen, but mostly I hear Jaden Lavik's, "What If" playing in my ear.
What if every battle was victorious then would you love me more
Would you love me more
What if I were everyone's first choice, what if I went farther than before
What if I stood high above the rest then would you love me more
Would you love me more....
What if I ignored the hand that fed me, what if I forgot to confess
What if I stumbled down that mountain then would you love me less
Lord, would you love me less
What if I were everyone's last choice what if I mixed in with the rest
What if I failed what I passed before then would you love me less
Lord, would you love me less, oh no oh no oh no
You say I belong to you apart from the things I do
You say I belong to you I'm in awe of why you do
You do you do you do
What have I done to deserve your son sent to die for me
What can I give I want to live give me eyes to see
A world that is changin' there's one thing I know is true
Your love is stayin' there's nothing else I'll hold onto
A bounce returns to my step and the pain shooting from my left hip to my knee begins to subside. Or maybe, I am so lost in the words of a song, that I forget the pain. Instead, I begin to focus on the struggle of life, the struggle of putting one foot in front of the other (some days), the struggle of embracing God's grace, yet completing the tasks He has placed before me. I smile and sing along, only to again, reflect on the truth behind the lyrics being sung in my ear.
Would God love me more?
Would God love me less?
Now, I am trying to keep two paces. The one in my mind has overtaken the one in my legs, which honestly makes the physical running easier. God WILL NOT love me more, if I do more. God WILL NOT love me less, if I do less. I need the reminder...too often...I need the reminder that God's love is constant, complete, and unchanging. It does not lessen when I make a bad choice. It does not improve when I volunteer more of my time. It does not lessen when I lose my temper. It does not improve when I pray more. It does not lessen when I say the wrong thing. It does not improve when I use my time wisely. It does not lessen when I neglect Him. It does not improve when I spend hours with Him. It does not lessen when I am lazy. It does not improve when I lead others. It does not lessen when I complain. It does not improve when I write about Him. God's LOVE is constant, complete, and unchanging!!!
I can feel the pain again. I can hear my breath getting heavier and heavier. I begin to thank Him for all He has done. For the way He uses His gift of the Holy Spirit to speak wisdom into my mind, as I struggle to keep pace with Him. Why do I long to give myself to Him? Why do I allow guilt to flood my soul when I neglect Him? Why do I find myself busy about the work of my hands, yet longing for the work of His? Oh, it is because of His love. I belong to Him. My flesh rises up and guilt makes a brief visit, before the Holy Spirit whispers, "His mercies are new every morning. Start again." The work of my hands is the work of His hands, if I ask Him to guide me.
Believe it when you hear that God is love! My life is not perfect. Actually, I received some very frustrating news Wednesday night that made me scream, tear up, curse, and question, but God is still love. I have experienced His discipline in ways that I hope to never experience again, but God's discipline is love (Hebrews 12:4-6). I have seen children neglected in ways that I do not understand, but I also know that God will judge those who hurt His children (Romans 12:19, Matthew 18:6). The list could go on and on, but through out my struggles, my doubts, and my journey thus far, God has showed me His LOVE.
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Next Friday: I will be posting about God as my Rock (2 Sam. 22:1-3). I would love for you to join me. Feel free to write about the same topic or anything that God is doing in your life.