I thought, "God I believe you are in control and I do trust You , but this still hurts." I thought, "I just want to go home so badly. Back to Kentucky. Back to the familiar. Back to a cheaper house market. Back to a place where I know what areas are good and bad." I thought, "How is it possible that we have made 3 offers on 3 different houses and have been rejected 3 times." I thought, "God I have begged you for a home, if not this one, please another one, now." I thought, "The woman in me, the wife in me, longs to have a house to call home. A house where I can cook, clean, decorate, entertain, fellowship, love, and nurture." More than all of the thinking I just stood and sobbed.
I have realized the sobbing came more from a deep desire to feel more connected to this place. A desire to begin calling Tampa home, instead of constantly referring to Lexington as home or having no place to call home. A desire to know where to begin investing my time in community organizations, in ministry, in work, in life. A desire to be in a place with Sam that we can call ours. A desire to again experience that "warm, fuzzy" feeling I felt while changing Sam's bachelor pad into a safe haven for the two of us to rest, eat, fight, laugh, celebrate, and on and on. A desire to no longer have almost everything we own packed away in a trailer. A desire to have a place where out-of-town guests are welcomed to stay, so that they can experience the beauty and fun activites that go on around the area.
Then Sam sent me a sweet reminder over email that read:
"at least we have a house in another place without a mortgage. The one that matters a lot more than here.
'Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.' John 14:1-3"
It's true!!! Not only do we have a mansion in Heaven that we will share with all of God's family, but we have family and friends here on earth that have faithfully prayed for us, encouraged us, and sobbed with us. God is forever showing me that I need Him. I need Him, because I will hurt. I will fail. I will succeed. I will laugh. I will cry. I will rejoice. I will grumble. I will hurt others. I will help others. I will stress. I will chill. I will be lazy. I will serve. I will be selfish. I will cheat. I will lie. I will be honest. I will expect others to be honest. I will disappoint. I will be angry. I will be bitter. I will forgive. I will ask for forgiveness. I will learn. I will forget. I will perform. I will be sincere. I will be prideful. I will be humble, with help. I will want more. I will give less. I will keep finding things I need to change, but ultimately I will always need the grace of God. I have always said, "If I found out Jesus Christ was not the Savior of the world and God was not real living a life of belief in Him would have still been worth it." Why? I am a better person because of the person, Jesus Christ.
Til next time, we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes not.